


Misadventures in Babysitting

by epicycles



Category: Parks and Recreation
Genre: Babysitting, F/M, april hates everything, but she definitely hates babies, except andy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-20
Updated: 2014-12-20
Packaged: 2018-03-02 07:47:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2804927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/epicycles/pseuds/epicycles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Great," April said as three infants in car seats were deposited on the couch.  "Now we don't have to go to the grocery store."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Misadventures in Babysitting

**Author's Note:**

  * For [QuantumButterfly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/QuantumButterfly/gifts).



> Happy Yuletide! :D 
> 
> This fic is set post-season 6, so spoilers for pretty much everything. 
> 
> The book April reads is a Spanish translation of Hans Christian Anderson's The Ugly Duckling, found [here.](http://www.ciudadseva.com/textos/cuentos/euro/andersen/el_patito_feo.htm) Andy in this fic draws some inspiration from Chris Pratt's adorableness with his IRL son, particularly [this video.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tg32d3t6YiQ)
> 
> I hope you like it!

9:30 a.m.

"Great," April said as three infants in car seats were deposited on the couch. "Now we don't have to go to the grocery store."

"Very funny, April. Now here are the diaper bags, four changes of clothes, milk, bottles, bottle warmer, baby wipes and educational bilingual picture books, they've just been fed so they should be set for another three hours, if they cry the strategy is (1) diaper, (2) food, (3) nap, (4) cuddling, in that order, and if they still won't stop just sing them a lullaby (preferably Baa Baa Black Sheep but they'll also accept Four and Twenty Blackbirds), here's a list of numbers for our cell phones and for every location we could possibly be in descending order of likelihood, naptime is at 10 and 3, bedtime is at 7, we'll be back by 9 at the latest, and thank you both for agreeing to babysit, you are beautiful, strong sunflowers, thank you, bye!"

Leslie waved and dashed out. Before Ben could follow, April pinned him with the stare she perfected in DC for unnerving him. "Why are there babies in my house. I did not agree to an infant invasion."

"Oh, right, sorry babe," Andy rubbed his head sheepishly. "Leslie asked me yesterday and I said sure, no problem, we could look after the rugrats for 'em."

"Andyyyyyyy..."

"What? You love babies!"

"I hate babies. Babies are just tiny people and I hate tiny things *and* people." April gave her cutest pout but Andy didn't fall for it.

"Aw they're not really people yet, they can't walk or talk or anything. Think of them like animals! You love animals."

"Thank you, Andy, that's very helpful," Ben said drily.

April considered the objects in the baby carriers. "I think that one's a lemur. That one can be a grizzly bear and I think that weird one is like, one of those deep sea goblin sharks with two mouths."

"Just don't feed them dog food and they'll be fine. Sorry to spring this on you last minute, but Indianapolis--" A car horn interrupted whatever Ben's boring story was going to be. "We'll be back by 9. No solid food, no blankets for naps, no Satanic rituals."

"Don't oppress me!" April yelled after Ben as he left.

Andy had picked up Lemur and was tossing it gently in the air. Lemur gurgled its approval. It was definitely not cute at all.

"Do you even know how to change a diaper?" April asked him.

"No way, diapers are super gross. But I figured Natalie's a lot younger than you, right? So you probably know all about diapers and bottles and all that baby stuff." Andy tossed Lemur again. "I can handle all the fun uncle stuff like teaching them how to throw a perfect spiral."

"Andy, they're like two months old."

"Right, good point babe. We'll start with the fundamentals."

April sighed and went to put the milk in the fridge.

~~~~~~

9:45 am

Andy's attempts to teach the triplets to catch a (foam) football were not very successful. It mostly bounced off their foreheads, but since it resulted in mostly laughing rather than crying, April let it go.

She was busy with her own project: Operation Never Be Asked to Babysit Again.

Phase 1 was already in progress. It consisted of sending disturbing text message questions to Leslie and Ben at regular intervals.

"Does dirt count as solid food?"

"How many babies do you have again? It's 2, right? I'm pretty sure it's 2."

"One of them is talking. His first word is "REDRUM", isn't that cute!"

The only responses she was getting were strings of emojis from Leslie -- she wasn't sure whether 'whale ghost birthday cake birthday cake pirate ship cactus-wearing-a-sombrero' was the response she wanted or not. Ben was ignoring her, except to send her unrelated but horrifying texts like "Leslie has been telling everyone about what a strong and idea-driven government employee you are."

Clearly she needed to step up her game.

"Babe! Something's starting to smell funny, come tell me if it's me or one of the babies!"

~~~~~~~

11:15 am

Phase 2 of Operation Never Be asked to Babysit Again: Photographic Shock and Awe

She borrowed Goblin Shark while Lemur slept and Grizzly Bear participated in a hip-hop dance party with Andy (he was making dub-step sounds with his mouth and waving Grizzly's feet around in time to the music.)

She didn't have enough candles to put around a pentagram, but it turned out Goblin Shark was exactly the right size to fit in one of the roasting pans Ben had forced them to buy during Operation Adulthood. She wasn't actually going to put a baby in the oven, but the stovetop didn't work anyway and Goblin Shark seemed to enjoy playing with the turkey baster.

Ben responded to the photo with: "Nice to see you're actually cooking for once."

~~~~~

12:20 pm

"I have already changed four diapers this morning, Andy, you are learning to do this right now or I am going to start putting the dirty ones in your laundry basket."

"Nice try, babe, we all know I don't have a laundry basket."

"Yes, you do. Never mind, just watch, it's not hard. Just undo the snaps and undo the velcro--"

"Hahaha groooooooss, what even is that?"

"...what do you think it is?"

"I don't know, I just know I haven't seen something that shade of green come out of a person since my Snake Juice hangover."

~~~~~

12:35 pm

"I know one of you is responsible for stealing the president's emeralds. You thought being triplets would mean no one would be able to tell which one of you broke into the White House. But there's one thing you forgot to count on...count against...to count on being against you -- Burt Macklin, FBI: Presidential Jewel Theft Investigator."

Goblin Shark blew a snot bubble.

"Nice try, but I know better than to trust one of Janet Snakehole's accomplices!"

"Don't listen to him, kid, they've got nothing on you, nothing!"

~~~~~~

1:30 pm

"Por fin se rompió el huevo. '¡Pip, pip!', dijo el pequeño, volcándose del cascarón. La pata vio lo grande y feo que era, y exclamó: -¡Dios mío, qué patito tan enorme! No se parece a ninguno de los otros. Y, sin embargo, me atrevo a asegurar que no es ningún crío de pavos."

April turned the heavy cardboard page. Grizzly Bear yawned widely. "Don't look at me kid, I didn't pick the book."

~~~~~~

2:00 pm

Naptime. April sent Leslie a photo of the triplets fast asleep in their baby carriers.

Or rather, a photo of two of the triplets and Champion fast asleep in the baby carriers.

Lemur was unwilling to nap so Andy was carrying him around the house under his arm like a football while singing MouseRat's greatest hits.

It was nowhere near horrifying enough for Operation NBATBA, but April recorded a minute of it on her phone anyway. Just in case.

~~~~~~

3:30 pm

Feeding the babies was not as bad as April had feared. They took bottles easily, and Andy could feed one with each hand if they sat in their carriers.

"Done! Man these little guys are hungry."

"Okay, well now you have to burp them."

Andy looked way too delighted. "No, babe, it just means you put them over your shoulder and pat their back. They need to burp or they get sick."

"Babies are bad at a lot of stuff, huh? Okay, let's get burping!" He put Goblin Shark over his shoulder and started patting. Suddenly there was a disgusting sound and Andy froze. "Wait, babe, why is my back wet? Did something terrible happen?"

"Give me that and go change your shirt."

~~~~~

5:00 pm

"Uh, April? Which one is which?"

"They have color-coded onesies. Plus one of them is a girl."

"What if, hypothetically, the onesies were all in a pile on the floor and also babies all look the same whether they're boys or girls?"

~~~~~~~

6:30 pm

Bedtime sort of happened by accident. Andy was playing airplane -- lying on his back on the bed with his limbs in the air, a baby on each hand and Goblin Shark on his feet.

April left to go feed Champion. When she came back, Andy was fast asleep, with three babies piled on top of him like kittens.

She took a photo on her phone, but didn't send it to anyone. Then she went and got a (washable, nontoxic) and marker and drew mustaches on all four of them.

That photo she sent to Leslie.

~~~~~~~

8:30 pm

"Hiiii," Leslie whispered as she and Ben quietly crept in. "Are they asleep?"

"Yeah, Andy's just getting them in their car seats. He's actually pretty good at not waking them up."

"How were they?" Ben asked.

"Horrible monsters. Plus I think one of them is actually a mutant. I forgot which one, you should get rid of them all just to be sure."

"Heeeeeeeere we are!" Andy sang softly, somehow carrying all three car seats. "Look, your mom and dad are back!"

"Awww, they look like they had a great time," Leslie cooed, ignoring the mustaches April hadn't bothered to wipe off.

"They sure did! We did too, right babe?"

"Next time I'm eating them for real."

"Oh, thanks for offering to watch them again!" Ben said brightly. "I'm sure they'd love to visit Uncle Andy and Aunt April again soon, right guys?"

Goblin Shark blew a snot bubble. April glared at her. "Traitor."

"Say bye to your aunt and uncle!" Leslie instructed. "Bye~~~!"

It took them a few minutes to collect all the stuff they'd left -- it had exploded into a pile on the couch -- but soon Leslie, Ben, Lemur, Grizzly and Goblin Shark were on the way home.

April watched from the window as their car pulled away. Andy put an arm around her shoulders. "That wasn't so bad, was it babe? You had fun, I saw you."

"Okay fine, I had fun. Don't you dare tell anybody."

"Your secret's safe with me." He wrapped her up in a hug and put his chin on top of her head. "Wonder what it would be like to have a rugrat of our own."

"I would sacrifice it to the Dark Lord. I can't be trusted with babies -- these three barely got away with their lives."

"Yeah," Andy laughed, but then he got quiet in the way that meant he was actually thinking about something. (Something other than nachos).

April really didn't want to say this, but Andy was sad and she was weak.  "But, I guess, maybe before we turn 80 and adopt those Romanian adult twins, it might be worth it to practice. On like, a totally disposable regular baby. I can always sacrifice it when we're done."

"Really?" Andy leaned around so he could see her face. April looked away but couldn't totally hide her smile. "Babe, that's great!"

"Not right now. Not for...a while. But yeah. We can have a kid or whatever."

"Awesome." Andy squeezed her. "I guess for now we better babysit the rugrats for Leslie and Ben a bunch, huh? I need to get better at diapers and stuff."

April sighed. Operation Never Be Asked to Babysit Again was officially a failure.

But it was kind of weird, because she didn't totally hate the thought.

~~~~~~~~~~~


End file.
